Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
