oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
