I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize