Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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