i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
