You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
