It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
