Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
