You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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