Got a toothbrush?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
