He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
