I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
