I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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