hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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