a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
