Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
