you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
