I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
