i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
