he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize