So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
