yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
