You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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