1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize