I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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