I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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