You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
