you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
