I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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