yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
