Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
