Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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