Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
