i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
