I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
