I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
