The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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