I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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