Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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