my phone needs a breathalizer
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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