the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
