I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
