Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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