I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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