I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
