that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Damn victory sex feels great
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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