Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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