More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
