You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize