I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
