my being single is dangerous.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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