You just made me feel so damn special
I wish my penis had an off switch
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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