thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
