I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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