I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
