I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
