I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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