Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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