just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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