I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
