if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
