Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize