I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
