The maid of honor just puked.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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