i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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