Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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