I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
we're so committed to being not committed
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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