Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
