Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
