Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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