You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
