Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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