i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
