I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize