no. you can't hotbox the world.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
